Last night at dinner with some friends I was listening to a story about a couple’s declining relationship. A possible justification for the man’s behavior from his friends was that he is too infatuated with the image of his girlfriend instead of being in love with who she actually is. And in fact, who is actually is, is not what he is looking for at all. They said that the girlfriend is perfect on paper; and to their alpha-male, ego-driven friend, that was probably enough for the past couple years. But, now that the girlfriend is at the point in her life when she wants to move forward and start a family, he has to commit or cut out. Based off the problems his uncertainty is creating for them, he’s forced to look at the deeper connection and if it actually exists at all.
I brought up that our society is conditioned to judge people by the frame rather than the picture that’s actually inside it. This is one of Gabrielle Bernstein’s metaphors from her book SPIRIT JUNKIE (http://gabbyb.tv/) that I love. One of the boys at the table said the frame vs. picture topic should be my next blog post so here it is!
We look for qualities in people that are surface level, and then we judge them. I am not sure why, but I think it has to do with our own attachment to the ego and fear of what releasing it means for our personal journey’s. The irony is, if you think about someone who is a close friend now, you might think of someone that you judged for shallow reasons, and reflecting on how close you are now, you will probably laugh at what a misconception you created about them prematurely.
When you can be your true self around someone without any insecurity of what you’re putting out there, that’s when you know you’re putting yourself in the right pack. And when you get to know people on that level, that soul level that you can’t see physically but you can get totally because you feel it, that’s how really deep, meaningful relationships begin (friendship AND romantic) because you are letting yourself connect to what actually exits and not what you think you want – probably all for the wrong reasons – as that is superficial love. With superficial love, you always get blindsided later with a person’s true colors, but yet you are never really that surprised because you remember a time when you felt in your gut that it may not be a right match but you ignored it and proceeded anyways for whatever reason.
When you do not arm yourself against people and you don’t judge them too early, for the better or the worse, you always wind up finding “your people” and it’s those relationships that are the absolute best and most fulfilling.